I’ve decided to give myself a couple days to breathe and take care of some stuff around the house. On Monday the job application festivities begin. Before then I’ve got a big soap order to make and I’ll be cleaning the house some too. Oh and we may get hit by a hurricane.
I didn’t completely bum around today though. I woke up and got the big kids ready for school. I got The Twins dressed and brought them to daycare. Then I helped a friend pick up his car from getting repaired. I cleaned out my van. (That took up a whole hour lol.) I took a much needed nap. (Hello stress insomnia!) I had lunch with my (now former) bosses. (Third day in a row of salad for lunch. Go me!) I stopped by to visit one of the Ya-Ya’s and convinced her kiddo to help me with the kids tomorrow.
It was a really great day overall. Obviously, not every day can be like this. I’ve got to start working and making money again soon. It was nice to slow down for a day though.
Also, I’ve decided that rather than call myself unemployed I’m going to start calling myself a Housewife. It sounds much more dignified than unemployed. I thought about Trophy Wife but I’m not fancy enough for that. Calling myself a Homemaker seems a bit extreme considering I’m awful at keeping a clean house. So if you need me I’ll be over here being a fabulous Housewife searching for a new career.
I got laid off Thursday. As my regular readers know, it wasn’t completely unexpected but it still stings. I wasn’t alone in the layoffs although I wish I was. Some of my dearest friends are leaving with me. One brought cupcakes Thursday because she knew it was coming, so we cried and laughed and ate cake.
My heart is broken. I worked so so hard to help build a beautiful thing and now it’s been taken away from me. All my hard work…gone. I’ve cried for myself, and work family, and my family. Life is changing for us all. It’s the end of an era. I take solace in knowing that it’s not based on my performance or a personal vendetta. The business side of my brain gets it 100%, but my heart hasn’t caught up.
I’ve been overwhelmed by the love and support that people have shown me during all of this. My in laws understood when The Hubs had to go into work late so he could stay with me. They even bought us lunch. My Aunt took care of our dinner so I didn’t have to cook. My coworkers checked in on me and those closest to me even cried with me. The most impact came from my former team. When my boss and I called to share the news they all expressed shock and disappointment. They showered us with love and even offered to help us find new jobs. Can you imagine that? Many are looking for jobs themselves but they still care enough to help us. Their kindness brought me to tears. I’m so honored to have led a team of such wonderful and generous people.
Oddly enough, with the uncertainty of my situation comes a feeling of freedom as well. I’ve spent 7 long months with a knot in my stomach worrying about losing my job. Now the worry has become reality and suddenly the fear has given way to excitement over new possibilities. I’ve always dreamed of working in a museum. I loved it. It was such a truly life changing experience for me. But once you’ve lived the dream, once you’ve achieved the goal, where to next? What new adventure lays ahead? Where can I take my skills and grow them? Where can I do the most good?
It’s time to find a new dream to tackle. I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. I know from my experience at the museum that I want to work with people. I love training and building up teams. It’s something I care very deeply about and I’d hate to give that up. I trust that God has a plan for me and I’m here to hold up my end of the bargain.
So here’s to the next adventure! Onward and upward my Dears!
My two year blogging anniversary is rapidly approaching. It’s hard to believe that it’s been this long. I talked about writing a blog forever but it took a long time to muster up the courage to do it. We’ve come a long way since that first post. You can read it here. My second post is hands down one of my favorites and one of the most ridiculous experiences I’ve had in my life. I still laugh my butt off when I think about that story.
When I started writing I had a different vision for the blog. It would be a funny escape for people. A way for Moms to see that they weren’t the only ones struggling. It has evolved into so much more for me and for my readers. Together we’ve delved into topics like mental health, racism, and religion. I never ever thought that I’d share my mental health journey so publicly. I’m a super open person but I didn’t think I was THAT open.
So why do I share? Why let people in? The truth is I would never have had the strength to keep going and sharing without the support of all of my readers. I run into old friends and acquaintances all the time who read my blog. People who haven’t seen me in YEARS stop me and say Oh my gosh I love your blog! That part is awesome but the follow up is what keeps me going. So many people open up then and tell me how they can relate to what I’m going through. Can relate to my message. Find strength in my words. Find strength in my words? It blows my mind and is incredibly humbling.
The idea that sharing my journey has the possibility to make just one person’s day a little better makes all of the awkwardness and nervousness and work that I put in so worth it. We all need to be reminded that we are not alone sometimes. You guys have been that for me and I pray that I can continue to return the favor.
Thank you so much for being such a loyal and amazing audience. Thank you for hopping into the Mom Van and sharing your triumphs and tears and laughter. I feel blessed to be on this journey with all of you and look forward to the miles of road that we’ve yet to cover.
I’ve written here before about one of my best friends, Hillary. She’s great. She shares her crayons with me and appreciates the fact that I’m a total dorky weirdo. She rocks and so does her family. Unfortunately, a couple of months ago, out of an abundance of caution, her Mom had to quarantine herself right before her birthday. They were all understandably upset about not being able to see each other. That’s when my super friend had the awesome idea to drive to her Mom’s house after she’d gone to bed and cover her yard and porch with birthday decorations to surprise her. It was a fantastic idea! Fortunately for me, she was kind enough to ask if I’d go along for the ride. I made arrangements with The Hubs and eagerly awaited our departure time.
Clearly the first of my Red Bull’s have kicked in.
Because it was meant to be a surprise, we had to leave late in the night to make sure her Mom would be asleep. Did I mention that her Mom lives about an hour and a half away? Yep! I was heading on a mini road trip with my bestie to decorate her Mom’s house at 10:30 at night with NO KIDS. I was beside myself with excitement! I even made sure to wear my “Chaos Coordinator” hat as it seemed appropriate. Unfortunately I also decided to wear sandals, but more on that later. My other preparations included putting on stretchy pants and a panty liner (because my kids ruined my body and you never know when you’ll sneeze pee), buying three Red Bull and some candy for the trip, and stealing my husband’s head lamp. She loaded up her car with presents and decorations and picked me up for our wild ride.
During our drive the conversation ebbed and flowed between serious discussion and laughter. It felt so wonderful to spend time with another adult who I’m comfortable with but not married or related to. I’d almost forgotten what that felt like between the demands of work, motherhood, and The Rona. There were a couple of moments of excitement along the journey there as well.
First, we were almost run off the road by two jacked up trucks racing down the road to get to the nearest bar. (Open clearly in violation of COVID rules.) Then she drove me across a pontoon bridge that looked like something straight out of a slasher movie. The whole thing shook as we drove across and I kept waiting for her to tell me about some scorned lover who hung themself from it. It was a one lane bridge that allowed two way traffic and you couldn’t see over it. The full moon made it even scarier.
Next, she drove me past a gorgeous oak tree lined drive. She told me the story of a wedding that was held there. In 1800’s St. Martinville a wealthy man’s daughters were to have a double wedding under the oaks. has it that a man’s daughter was set to be married under the oaks. He was determined that the wedding decorations be unrivaled in their beauty. He had one million spiders put into the trees and they spun webs all through the branches. Then he covered the webs with gold dust. It’s a really sweet story even if you don’t like spiders. You can see the children’s book made about it here.
After that we drove by the town square where you can see the memorial to the Acadians. We didn’t get to go inside (because it was midnight by this point) but we could see some of it with our flashlight. I plan on going back one day when I can see it and take a better look around. You can learn more about it here. She also showed me the tree where the real Evangeline from Longfellow’s Evangeline waited for her love.
I was so excited to see the Evangeline oak.
It was finally time to decorate her Mom’s house. The Red Bull had 100% kicked in along with the excitement of what we were doing. We pulled up to the house and got to work. Within the first five minutes I realized that sandals were a mistake and that I was not good at sneaking quietly. My feet got wet from the dew on the grass. After I nearly walked through a GIGANTIC spider web I regretted the shoes even more because I just kept thinking about spiders crawling on my feet. It made me super jumpy.
I swear it wanted to eat me.
Thank God her Mom slept through all of our giggling and running around. I was sure that I was going to completely blow it. We hung streamers from the trees and put an awesome bee hive that the kids made on the front porch. About this time things started getting a little uncomfortable. You remember that panty liner I put on? Well it’s made by a company called The Honey Pot. It’s an awesome brand and the liners have aloe, lavender, and mint on them. They are the best. At least until you realize that sweating profusely in July Louisiana heat is really bad when combined with moisture activated peppermint. Suddenly my entire crotch was both frozen and on fire at the same time. I finally had to admit to Hillary what was happening and we couldn’t stop laughing.
Sassy Hillary and our awesome decorating!
We were almost finished when my dumb ass decided that jumping the fence to wrap her Mom’s car in crepe paper was a good idea. It seemed like a good idea right up until the point where I was straddling a giant wrought iron fence with spikes on it WAY higher off the ground than I thought I would be. Of course, by that point there was no going back.
Head lamp plus phone boob light. Here’s where I realized yet again that sandals were a mistake.
Jumping the fence turned out to be worth it. I got the car decorated and somehow managed to get back over the fence without impaling myself. (God looks out for fools right?)
Her Mom was so surprised that she cried. I was so happy to be included on such a special caper. It’s not every day that you can commit vandalism with your friend and spread joy at the same time. It was definitely one of the high points of 2020 for me. I’d even jump that fence again.
I have been struggling to write. Somewhere along the way a crippling anxiety about my writing and myself in general took hold of my heart. “My life is not interesting enough.” “Why would anyone read about the storm that I’m trudging through right now?” “People come here for funny and inspirational and I have no humor or light to give.” I have started and stopped this post six times since August. I have tried and failed to capture what it is that I want and need to say. As I sit on my bed tonight frustrated with tears pouring down my face I know that the time has come.
The anxiety and lack of confidence I’m feeling is no ones fault. The people around me have shown me the same amount of support they always do. The change is in me. I see myself struggling and living a more fearful life than I have in a long time. My soul has become corrupted by worry. How can it not be? The worries pile up and threaten to drown me.
I’m working still but my job feels incredibly insecure because of the economy. I’m struggling with my identity in my position because we’ve had to lay off all but one person from my staff. Staff that I’ve worked hand in hand with nearly every day for almost three years. People that have watched my children grown and made our organization the wonderful place that it is today. People who have made an indelible mark on who I am as a person and as a manager. My heart is broken because I know that while some will return when things reopen, not all will. They should have left on their last day with celebration and fanfare as thanks for all of their hard work and I can give them none of it. And what of me? Who am I without my team? I’m here to guide and lead and advocate for them and I feel as though I’ve failed miserably even though there is nothing that could have been done. I’ve kept my job when I couldn’t save theirs. That feels awful too even though I know it wasn’t in my control.
I really spent a long time thinking that I’d adjusted well to this whole “new normal” thing. (Except the work part I mean.) I ignored all of the things that I missed and pretended I didn’t miss them. I was so wrong though. Another failure to add to the list. It hit me like a slap in the face the other day when I saw a video of people dancing at Mardi Gras. I completely lost it. Ugly cried. It sounds so stupid. Crying over a video of watching people dancing. There has been so little of that this year though. Festival season is my favorite time of year. I love seeing all the beautiful art, hearing the live music, eating all the fried food, and watching people dance together. In a time where we are more divided than we ever have been in my lifetime, it would do everyone some good to dance again.
I miss being able to go places and not worry that I’ll bring the virus home and hurt someone that I love. I miss leaving my house without feeling fear in the back of my mind. The stress of this new lifestyle is taking its toll on my marriage and motherhood too. I’m short tempered. Quick to cry or yell. I’m struggling to focus even more than normal. I vacillate between wanting to hold and snuggle my children all day and feeling like one more touch will literally make my spirit fly out of my body. I’m not really sure how to do self care right now. I wasn’t awesome at it before but now leaving the house isn’t really a thing unless I’m going to the three stores I go to, work, or visiting my parents. It’s impossible for me to not feel guilty about working on crafts or reading a book when I’m surrounded for most of the day by a house that reminds me of all of the chores that I haven’t done. All the reminders of where I tried and failed. I feel like I do a lot of that lately. Try and fail…Fail again and again.
This morning as my family slept I decided to stop scrolling Facebook and open my TED App. The first suggested video was called The Beauty of Being a Misfit by Lidia Yuknavitch. I found myself moved by her story. I watched it twice. It helped me to find the courage I needed to share my feelings with you today. So this is me sharing the story that I know how to tell. This is me giving voice to what’s written on my heart. It’s not profound or inspiring but, at least for me, it must be written. This is where I’m at right now. A little broken. Wobbly legged and unsure. Ill fitting in this current phase of life. Failing. I can only hope that, like in Lidia’s story, these seeming failures of mine can become “weird ass portals to something beautiful.”
After what feels like an eternity of not writing I’m finally back! Whew! Did you miss me?! I missed all of you!
It’s after midnight on a Thursday and I’m exhausted and surrounded by art supplies while my Husband and the dogs snore.
All the colored pencils and all the dark circles!
I’ve been working hard on my submission for The Sketchbook Project. Back in November of 2019 The Hubs sent off for my sketchbook so that I could be part of an awesome collaborative art exhibit. In true Mom Van style I procrastinated the hellllll out of things and have spent the last month pushing myself to make beautiful art.
I’m incredibly proud of the results and the work that I put in. It has taken up a ton of my time and forced me to back burner both my blog and my soap company. Reconnecting with my art was amazing though and I’m so thankful that The Hubs believed that I could do this even though I doubted myself about a thousand times along the way. He and my whole family encouraged me to keep pushing and creating. They helped me with ideas and feedback. My friends and colleagues even helped.
I’ve titled the Sketchbook “Wild Dreams of 2020.” As an ode to one of my favorite books of poetry, Wild Dreams of a New Beginning by Lawrence Ferlinghetti. It’s filled with fun takes on nature, bright colors, wild patterns and fanciful design. I’m going to mail it off tomorrow and and pretty sad about having to give it back. I’ve poured so much of myself into it. The really awesome part is that I’ll actually be able to access a digital version of it and so will you. Once it’s been received, scanned, and uploaded by the team at The Sketchbook Project, I’ll post the link for all of you to check out the whole thing.
In the meantime, thank you so much for being patient with me. I appreciate all of you sticking it out. Here are a couple of my sketches. You’ll have to forgive the photo quality, it’s after midnight and I’m too tired for fancy editing. Let me know what you think!
Bugs in the SystemDreams of Adventure Hidden Beauty.
After weeks of dragging my feet and doubting myself and chickening out, I’ve finally made a Facebook page for my soap company so I can start selling to more than my friends. I’m so appreciative of those of you who’ve reached out with encouragement along the way. I couldn’t have done it without you cheering me on! It’s nerve wracking trying to start a new business and it’s a little scary to finally go live with it even if it is just in a small way.
It feels so great to have something that requires me to be creative but still allows me to spend lots of time with my family. I’m even reaching a soap making class at work next week. I’m super excited about sharing my passion with ten kiddos as I teach them how to make two different kinds of soap.
When 2020 started I could never have imagined all the things that would happen. It’s only July and it’s been a wild ride. In the midst of all the insanity, starting The Lucky Ducky Soap Company has been a spark of joy.
You can check out my page here. Be sure to comment and let me know what soaps you’d like to see me make!
Alright so obviously I haven’t written much lately about my family’s crazy antics. Life has been hectic and weird. We’ve definitely been on a weird ride though. The good news is, this time I can actually SHOW you what we did.
The Hubs has been working hard to build his YouTube channel Donny Duct Tape and the kids have been begging to be a part of it. When we were looking for kid friendly video ideas we came across the “exploding watermelon” and decided to try it. It took us almost two hours and soooooo many rubber bands but we did it! The kids were hilarious and did such a great job. It was fun to watch them tackle such a crazy experiment for so long.
You can check out our video here. I hope to share more of our family videos. If you have any ideas of what we could do next please let me know!
Mom Van Confessions 