It’s 9:30pm and all four kids are in bed. Not asleep, but in bed so that’s a start at least. Tonight the yelling and crying was kept at a minimum, everyone got fed, and three out of four bathed so I’m calling it a win. I most definitely needed a win tonight. The yelling and crying has been happening a lot lately. I’ve been a pretty shitty Mom.
I think we all have days where we go to bed and feel like a total Mommy Disaster. I just happen to have had a very long string of those days. My little kids are at a terrible stage where their only method of communication seems to be whining at me. Oh and everything is something to cry and throw a fit about. It’s awful on its own but it’s collided with my recent bout with depression and made for an ugly mess.
Two nights ago my sweet little Hun looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said Mommy please stop yelling. I completely fell apart. I felt lower than low. I’d hurt my baby with my anger over things that weren’t that big of a deal and had little to do with her. I’d let my struggles get in the way of loving the time I have with them. We snuggled and cried together. I promised to work on yelling less and she promised to work on whining less. In the nights since, I’ve made sure to let her know that I see her trying to be a big girl. I’ve yelled less and played more. I’ve pushed myself to be more present and more grateful not only when I’m at home with them but when I’m away as well.
Since I lost my job I’ve been struggling a lot. There have been many changes and I feel like I lost my identity. I had my dream and then it was taken away. The stages of grief are real and I’ve been fighting through them with this. I’m finding my way slowly though. I’m learning how to appreciate what is in front of me and trying to gently release the past. I’m practicing gratitude. It sets my heart at ease.
And so today I am grateful for all the kids in bed by 9:30 with minimal whining and yelling. I’m grateful for a home and for the kindness of the people in our lives. I’m thankful for the incredible bond that my children share. I’m thankful for each and every goodnight hug and kiss that I got tonight.
If, like me, you’re having a string of Shitty Mom days, take a deep breath and forgive yourself. Tomorrow you can try again. Eventually if we keep trying we’ll both get it right.
Mom Van Confessions 