Christmas and life have me super stressed right now so I decided I’d try to pamper myself before bed. A warm bath with Epsom salts, a rejuvenating clay mask, an empowering book, and a tall glass of water. What could go wrong?
My family. That’s what could go wrong, among other things.
First, my lovely husband decided that the perfect time to poop was right when I started gathering my towel and pjs. It’s like he sensed what I was doing and his bowels screamed out that I was not to be allowed a clean smelling moment to myself. He wouldn’t dare use the other bathroom just this once.
Of course, the children sensed the disturbance in the force as well and immediately kicked into action. Suddenly they couldn’t get their clothes together for the next day. They needed help finding socks. They thought it was appropriate to talk back. They wanted to read a story instead of sleeping. They needed juice. All at once. The only one who didn’t need my help was The Conqueror and that’s only because she was sleeping.
The dogs couldn’t be left out either. Despite being able to go outside and poop, the Little Bad Dog felt that her turds were best shared with the family. Her gift to us as a thank you for leaving her locked in the bathroom while we spent time with family. As a true ADD Mom at one point I found myself yelling about socks while walking around with a dog poop wrapped in toilet paper in my hand. I made it into the living room before I realized that I’d walked past the bathroom without depositing her contribution to the evening where it belonged.
After the bathroom had been safely aired and frebreezed, I happily undressed and ran my bath. Chaos calmed right? Wrong.
The instructions on my clay face mask required a timer. No biggie. I’d just get my phone off the bedside table. My bathroom is attached to the bedroom so I walked right in without grabbing a towel. Walked right in to a captive audience who was just as shocked to see me naked as I was to be naked in front of them. For God knows what reasons, The Hubs and the three awake kids were just hanging out in our bedroom. The kids and I screamed and then I kicked everyone out while my Husband cackled like the evil villain that he is.
“Fine”, I thought, “the family is gone and the peep show is over. Heart attacks have been had all around. I’ll just grab my phone and begin my relaxation.” Except my phone was gone. It seems that during his evacuation his phone died so The Hubs grabbed mine to finish talking to our friend. Still naked but hiding safely behind our bedroom door, I hollered down the hall until he brought it to me.
I snatched the phone away and asked him to bring me a glass of water. While he was gone I put on my clay mask. Spa time? More like Silence of the Lambs time.
This mask was a horror show. What I thought was a traditional clay mask was really a clay sheet mask. The fleshy colored clay mask hung on my face like I’d just cut it off of a police officer who was guarding my cage. Hannibal would have been proud. It was so ugly that even Buffalo Bill would have been scandalized. “Would you f**k me?” Absolutely not!
I couldn’t stop laughing. Crazy Eyes came in and was appropriately creeped out. Laughing while wearing a flesh mask only intensifies the effect.
So now I’m sitting here sipping water in my flesh mask. Sharing my story with you. It didn’t go as planned but the laughter helped me relax some. At least I get a gold star for effort right?
Mom Van Confessions 