Somehow having one year olds seems scarier than having newborns. Sure newborns don’t let you sleep but for the first month I had a team of NICU nurses holding my hand. Now we have one year olds and I feel there is a severe gap in my knowledge. I can do ages 3-6. I’ve done those already. I’m even getting to know 8. But one? I feel unprepared.

How do you teach your kid how to drink from a sippy cup? What am I supposed to be reading to them? Are they socializing enough? Am I a bad mom for singing Fat Bottom Girls to them instead of Row Your Boat? (Seriously no one likes that song anyway.) How do I ensure that they are getting enough nutrients? What do I do if they turn out to be kids that hate veggies and only like chicken nuggets? (Chicken nuggets usually make me gag. I may just have to rehome the kids till they are more reasonable.)

I’m glad I have things to look forward to like hearing them say “I love you” and wearing even more cute clothes. I’m excited to see their personalities develop. I’m looking forward to being able to see them interact even more. This morning they hugged for the first time that I’d seen and it was pretty damn cute. Fingers crossed for more cute stuff and nothing bad enough that it screws them up for life.

Disclaimer: Due to technical issues this didn’t get posted last night and I’m just realizing it. Ugh!

So far this week I’ve eaten half of a Giant sized loaf of Bunny Bread by myself. I’ve also had a ton of pasta and about four slices of cake. And candy. And some fruit. (I’m not a total disaster). I could probably polish off a large extra cheese pizza with Canadian bacon, mushrooms, and black olives by myself right now. *drools* This morning I ate half of my lunch while stuck in traffic on the way to work. Right now I’m making myself a baked potato with turkey chili and cheese on top. I’m stress eating. I am The Very Hungry Caterpillar in Mom form.

The combination of The Boy in the Hospital, The Twin’s Birthday party this weekend, my husband’s struggles with sleep, work, and the bills that I haven’t been able to pay yet has me neck deep in the feeding trough. If I wasn’t blessed with my metabolism or maybe if I hadn’t run out of damns to give I’d probably be stressed about the amount I’m eating as well. You have to pick your battles though right? I try to remind myself that it could be worse and that I’m not the center of the universe. That second part is a character flaw of mine and it has been for a long time. Sometimes I think it’s why God sent me a thousand kids. Kids keep you humble and remind you that the sun doesn’t shine out of your butt like you think it does. At least that’s the way it is in my case.

I tried to be “cool” and do that whole “Mommy needs a glass of wine” thing that seems to be so popular with Moms my age. When I’m honest with myself I know that unless it’s Boonze Farm or Sutter Home Vineyards I usually have to convince myself that wine is worth the taste. Full disclosure, I’m not even 100% sure that Boonze Farm is wine but the bottle looks like a wine bottle so that’s what we’re going with because I’m such a classy broad. When the wine wears off there are still diapers and laundry to deal with plus a headache. Admittedly the headache probably has more to do with the quality of “wine” than anything.

I thought about working out but that gave me the sweats just thinking about it. Mom’s who find the time and energy to work out are freaking champs. Bless you babies! You’ve got it goin on! Chasing my kids is enough work. I think the best I can hope for in that department is that after I keel over from all the horrible things I’ve eaten some nice lady who has taken care of her body will find it in her heart to take care of my sweet husband. (I’ll still haunt her though because I’m petty and he’s mine.)

So I eat. And I blog. And I find things to laugh about. Today my coworkers make me laugh. Tonight I get to write this blog for you and for myself and hopefully I made you laugh too. Good news is the potato filled me up. At least for now. I feel a little less stressed. The kids are in bed. I finally got to take my shoes off. Small victories. Maybe if I burrito myself in my comforter I’ll wake up looking like a butterfly. A Mom can dream right?

If we could make it a full year without one or more of our kids having to go to the hospital that would be great. Last year we spent a month with our babies in the NICU. We nearly made it to the one year mark since then without a hospital stay but then last Thursday happened. Now The Boy is in the hospital after having his appendix rupture. After last year hospital stays feel fairly normal.

You get used to seeing your kids poked and prodded by strangers. You get over the awkwardness of feeling dumb and having to ask a thousand questions. When your kid is involved you become willing to look like a complete idiot rather than deal with not knowing what the hell is going on. You find out who your true friends are by seeing who is willing to brave the discomfort to try and give you a hug and put a smile on your face.

You learn about yourself. How strong you are. How to avoid boredom. How to slow the hell down and be quiet. You learn that you can love your children around the tubes and wires and beeps. The wires go from being all you can see to just being an accessory to your child. You learn that you are capable of being a fierce advocate for your babies.

These are the times when you truly realize that you love your Bonus Kids just as much as you love the children you carried. Tonight I climbed in the bed with The Boy and we watched our favorite youtube channel together. Then we watched and episode of Chopped Kids and FaceTimed The Twins. They got him to smile and laugh just by being themselves. It was the first time he smiled and laughed all day. I’m so glad my kids can do that for each other. Hopefully he gets to come home and play with them soon. Until then we’ll take all the prayers and love we can get. We’ll restart our days without hospital visits count once we bust him out of here.

I’ve been putting off writing about this because it’s all pretty new and exciting and we needed to make sure we told grandparents and parents first. After talking with The Hubs he’s agreed that it’s time to share our happiness. We now officially have FIVE children! No, I’m not pregnant! Haha!

You see we’ve always known about number 5 (well, number 1 really) but hadn’t met her and had our doubts. My Husband married his first wife when he was relatively young and it ended badly. He told me when we got together that his ex-wife had a little girl and that he’d never met her or had any contact with her. She’s found out she was pregnant after she left. He’d signed away his legal rights without a clear understanding of what he was doing and hoped that one day when she was old enough to make the choice she’d find him. He thought he’d have to wait 18 years to meet the child that he only knew through pictures that made their way to him through the grapevine. He was wrong.

Our girl insisted that she be allowed to meet her Daddy and her family. She pushed until her mom gave in. As soon as we met her any doubts we had about her paternity were erased completely. It’s bizarre to see a stranger look up at you with your child’s face and the first time I saw her I felt all the breath leave my body. The Hubs obviously has insanely strong genes. She acts like him, looks like him, and has his sense of humor. She is beautiful and smart and a great big sister. Her Mom has done a great job of raising her and I’m so grateful for it.

When I told our Big Girl that she now had 6 more grandparents, 7 great grandparents, 1 Uncle, 15 great aunts and uncles, and a bunch of second cousins on top of four new siblings she was shocked and excited. I thought my family got big fast but hers literally blew up one random day in January. Can you imagine that?! 8 years old and BOOM! Giant family! She’s taken it all in stride and can’t wait to meet everyone. We’ve looked at pictures of everyone together and even FaceTimed my parents. Since she lives one state over we’ve had to make a couple of trips to spend time with her but despite my grumblings about having to pack they were worth it’s

Once my head stopped spinning after meeting her and I got used to the knowledge that God had sent me five children to love and share my life with I was excited to share our crazy story. We have one more child to love and care for. One more Tiny human who means the world to us. My Husband who was only able to experience having a sibling for a short time gets to watch each of his children experience the joy of having 4 built in friends who know you and love you like no one else. And they do love each other. All 5 had a blast playing and laughing and getting to know one another. They’ve even FaceTimed a few times when we couldn’t visit. The Boy and Crazy Eyes are overjoyed at having a Big Sister and love that she looks just like them. The Tiny Rulers have accepted her as part of their kingdom and she makes them giggle non-stop.

The Mom Van is full and so is my heart. I’m not sure why I was chosen for this life but I’m glad I was. Family is a beautiful and crazy thing and mine is huge. Here’s our first ever complete family picture. It’s not a great picture but I love it anyway.

“Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome!” This phrase means oh so much to me. It has become my mantra. So much so that I often wonder if I should have it tattooed on my butt cheek in block letters. “This body is property of the Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome way of life!” I couldn’t tell you where I first heard the phrase but I come from a family filled with Veterans and Servicemen so I’m sure it came from one of them. Regardless of its origin, it has permeated my life.

Half of your staff has called out sick and its not even lunch time? Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome! Babies are sick? Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome! You have a funeral to go to in the middle of the day and your sitter is sick? Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome! Can’t get to the grocery store and only have weird shit left in the fridge/pantry to eat? Put all those hours watching Chopped to good use and Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome! I say it so much that even my staff says it now.

I don’t always want to. Sometimes I want to throw myself on the ground and say screw it I’m not going to do anything put pout and eat chocolate. Sometimes I wander around like that guy from Office Space who keeps getting his stapler stolen and mutter about burning things down to the ground. I get tired of coming up with plans B and C. But that’s the life of a working mom with a thousand kids isn’t it? When you have hundreds of moving parts the machine is bound to break from time to time no matter how well you run it. There is beauty in the chaos though when the day is done and the dust has settled.

The phrase “deus ex machina’ enters my head often as the craziness unfolds. It’s a Latin translation of a Greek phrase that means “a god from a machine.” Merriam-Webster dictionary explains it as “unlikely saviors and improbable events that bring order out of chaos in sudden and surprising ways.” You can dig deeper into the definition here. My life seems full of unlikely saviors and improbable events. It is in these that I see God at work. God who in my mind takes the form of a sassy, kind woman who teaches lessons with humor and the patience of an old, loving grandmother. As I Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome I am reminded again and again that despite the insanity of day to day life I am blessed. Even in the darkest moments when I hate the world and want to give up I am reminded of the strength given to me by a past filled with opportunities to Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome.

My great grandfather used to say that “Education is never wasted,” and I believe that he was right. It doesn’t have to be in a classroom though. Sometimes education can be the craziness of a week with sick kids and not enough hours in the day. What matters is that you continue to look for your Deus Ex Machina and keep your resolve as you Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome. Once you’ve conquered your hill be sure to look back and see what you’ve learned. You never know when you’re going to need to Macgyver your way through life again.

Today I unlocked a new Mom Achievement. Today the Twins and I went to the grocery store without ANY help. I’m elated! I can’t tell you the last time I was so proud of myself! It was beautiful and so freeing! I spent the entire time grinning like a fool. I never thought I’d be so excited about something so mundane.

Going to the grocery store has become an ordeal. I usually either order groceries and go pick up, send my husband (who comes back with extras that make me happy but also make my butt bigger), get up super early on a Saturday while the kids are still asleep, or I have to wait until he gets home and by that point I’m usually over it. Their car seats take up the entire buggy and since they are so small they only recently started being able to sit in restaurant high chairs and grocery carts. I strapped The Hun to my chest facing out and The Conqueror sat strapped into the buggy.

They took in all the new sights and smells and sounds and waved their hands and feet all around. They laughed and giggled and I sang to them and made faces because motherhood has somehow made me even harder to embarrass than I was before. We even shared a sample of some super tasty white cheddar. I managed to talk to an old friend and his lovely new wife we were there. No one cried or threw things or had a diaper blowout. I can only hope the rest of our grocery trips are this way. I’m overjoyed with our first experience whatever the rest may look like. Super Mommy wins this round!

Before I had kids I never thought that things like birthday parties would make me feel insecure. Suddenly I’m planning the Twin’s first birthday party with my Mom and I’m overwhelmed. I want so badly to be one of those crunchy Moms that doesn’t let her kid have screen time or eat processed foods. I want to take pretty pictures in open fields looking all bohemian and sexy and peaceful with my wonderful, perfect family. I want to make beautiful, tasty cupcakes from scratch and have Pinterest worthy party ideas.

I am not any of those things in real life though. My idea of “natural” is to not freak out when my kids eat a little dirt. It’s hard not to feel like a shitty Mom sometimes when I see other Moms out there totally killing the whole Perfect Mom thing. I think they are awesome. When I was younger I would have been snobbish and disliked them because they can do what I can’t. At this stage of my life I’m just in a state of awe and quiet envy. I know from my experience so far that I’m just not capable of being on that level. As crafty as I am its hard for me to make things and get creative when I live in a constant state of chaos. I don’t worry much about other people judging me about my birthday party decor or pictures. I DO worry that my children will look at the pictures from their birthday and judge me. I worry that they’ll feel I didn’t do enough. I worry that I’ll blow my one and only shot to celebrate my children’s first birthday. After this there will be no first birthdays.

Will I regret not doing more just like I regret not being able to take newborn photos? Will I wish I’d thrown a fancier party just like I wish I’d taken the time to make their nursery look like something out of a magazine? Women talk a lot about societal pressures and Mommy shaming a lot but I know that I am more at fault for my distress than any Pinterest or Magazine article. This suffering and anxiety is self induced.

So I am forcing myself to keep it simple. I am fighting the urge to DIY and Pinterest the hell out of everything so that I can actually slow down and enjoy my babies. I don’t want to miss a single second of watching them smile and laugh with family. I want to be wholly present when they get their very first taste of cake. I will put my damn phone down and let someone else take pictures for a change so that I’m actually in them and not seeing my life from behind a screen. My Mom is incredible and would 100% deck out this party if I asked her to. She is an amazing Pinterest Mom from a time before Pinterest was even a thing. I don’t want her missing a single moment either. The Twin’s birthday party is going to be awesome. Even without all the fancy things. And when they’re old enough to ask me about it I’ll make sure they know that I enjoyed being with them on their special day.

Dear Reader,

I sincerely apologize for the infrequency of my posts lately. It seems that being a working Mom is getting the best of me. I am overwhelmed and stressed and ready to explode. These are the parts that I would love to hide. It would be amazing if I could post only the happy, funny things. Sometimes I just don’t want to share my little nugget of happiness because its what I need to hold onto to get through the day. This Mom is on the struggle bus and the air conditioner seems to have broken.

Yesterday for the first time ever I cried when I dropped the girls off at the sitter. I’m sure it won’t be the last but I hated it so much. I felt inadequate. I felt for the first time that I was betraying them by working instead of staying home with them. I know that they are in amazing hands. I know that I would despise being a stay at home mom (bless the women who can handle it). The girls are getting over strep and they just want Mommy snuggles. At this point I’m just trying to keep my head above water.

I’m thankful for everyone who helps us and my husband who has flown solo with the kids alot lately. He’s even learning how to cook. I definitely couldn’t do this without my tribe and a sense of humor.

So Dear Reader, if you’re the praying type send prayers. The Twin Tiny Rulers also accept offerings of food and snuggles (when they let me put them down). I’ll survive. We’ll all be fine. Thank you for sticking with me through the crazy.

With Love and Laughs,

Diana

A couple months ago a friend asked if I could belly dance for a group she is a part of. I replied full of enthusiasm and energy thinking “Sure I can give a 30 minute presentation on that! It will be fine!” I knew my body well enough to know that I could make it through 30 minutes of basic demonstration with some well timed jokes thrown in. It’s been a long time since I’ve danced. So long that my husband has never seen me perform. The closer I got to the day of the demo the more nervous I got. As I unpacked my gear for my pre-performance inspection I began to have more doubts.

My boobs aren’t where they used to be. My belly hasn’t bounced back from carrying the twins. My parts all wiggle and jiggle in ways they never did before. I’m blessedly free from stretch marks and I look damn good for a woman who carried twins. But it’s exactly that isn’t it? “For a woman who carried twins.” I remember when I just looked damn good. I can tell myself till I’m blue in the face that I should be proud that my boobs swing like socks with rocks in them because they fed twins for nearly eight months but that isn’t going to make me believe that all that swinging is sexy.

Crazy Eyes and The Hubs helped to ease my anxiety as I practiced. I could tell that he was enjoying watching me dance and she was entertained too. He asked her “can you belly dance?” With exasperation she rolled her eyes and replied “nooo! I don’t have boobies!” Duh Dad! So maybe my swinging wasn’t all that bad. At least my boobies made somewhat of an impact, right?

The next night my audience helped to wipe away any anxiety that I had left. These women were kind and open and as I walked them through the steps and laughed with them I remembered why I dance. It’s not because I want to feel sexy or because I want to impress. I dance because it makes my heart feel full. I enjoy just moving. There’s more residual movement now than there has ever been but the beauty of belly dance is that extra wiggle is welcome. I made sure to tell them that too. It was awesome to watch their smiles get bigger and their moves get sassier as they felt that overwhelming confidence boost that belly dance can offer.

Once it was over I felt more like myself than I had in a long time. It was nice to remember the me before babies and marriage. It was even better to see that the two don’t always have to be so separated. So I plan to try and shake what I got in these jeans a little more often even if it’s just around the house. I’m sure eventually my dancing will embarrass the kids so that’s a plus too. At the very least I hope it helps me to embrace my new Mommy body, flaws and all.