Before I had kids I never thought that things like birthday parties would make me feel insecure. Suddenly I’m planning the Twin’s first birthday party with my Mom and I’m overwhelmed. I want so badly to be one of those crunchy Moms that doesn’t let her kid have screen time or eat processed foods. I want to take pretty pictures in open fields looking all bohemian and sexy and peaceful with my wonderful, perfect family. I want to make beautiful, tasty cupcakes from scratch and have Pinterest worthy party ideas.
I am not any of those things in real life though. My idea of “natural” is to not freak out when my kids eat a little dirt. It’s hard not to feel like a shitty Mom sometimes when I see other Moms out there totally killing the whole Perfect Mom thing. I think they are awesome. When I was younger I would have been snobbish and disliked them because they can do what I can’t. At this stage of my life I’m just in a state of awe and quiet envy. I know from my experience so far that I’m just not capable of being on that level. As crafty as I am its hard for me to make things and get creative when I live in a constant state of chaos. I don’t worry much about other people judging me about my birthday party decor or pictures. I DO worry that my children will look at the pictures from their birthday and judge me. I worry that they’ll feel I didn’t do enough. I worry that I’ll blow my one and only shot to celebrate my children’s first birthday. After this there will be no first birthdays.
Will I regret not doing more just like I regret not being able to take newborn photos? Will I wish I’d thrown a fancier party just like I wish I’d taken the time to make their nursery look like something out of a magazine? Women talk a lot about societal pressures and Mommy shaming a lot but I know that I am more at fault for my distress than any Pinterest or Magazine article. This suffering and anxiety is self induced.
So I am forcing myself to keep it simple. I am fighting the urge to DIY and Pinterest the hell out of everything so that I can actually slow down and enjoy my babies. I don’t want to miss a single second of watching them smile and laugh with family. I want to be wholly present when they get their very first taste of cake. I will put my damn phone down and let someone else take pictures for a change so that I’m actually in them and not seeing my life from behind a screen. My Mom is incredible and would 100% deck out this party if I asked her to. She is an amazing Pinterest Mom from a time before Pinterest was even a thing. I don’t want her missing a single moment either. The Twin’s birthday party is going to be awesome. Even without all the fancy things. And when they’re old enough to ask me about it I’ll make sure they know that I enjoyed being with them on their special day.