When the Shit Hits the Fan

I’ve always loved the imagery of that phrase. “The shit hit the fan.” It evokes images of smelly, yucky chaos. In my house, the shit hitting the fan seems to be the natural state of things. Some nights get shittier than others though, and messier. That’s exactly what happened last Monday night.

When I picked The Hun and The Conqueror up from school they were both fussy and had yucky noses. Not an unusual occurrence since they started daycare but they seemed extra pouty and uncomfortable so I decided to stop by Walmart on our way home for some medicine and soup. That’s how I found myself pushing a buggy through Walmart with two crying two year olds after a stranger fussed at me for coughing in public. Yes, a perfect stranger decided to look at me and say, “Hey lady you better watch that cough! You’re gonna get people freaked out about the Corona virus!” I coughed into my elbow. Some people are just rude. I’d love to say that I had a witty comeback but I was too shocked to say anything. I continued my shopping as I tried to keep the twins calm. Eventually they calmed down and I bought them each a Barbie because I felt like we all deserved it after our trip.

On the way home, my Mom called. She had some really heavy information to share and it completely threw me off. I talked to The Hubs for a while after and he helped me to feed the girls before he headed up to his Dad’s shop to do some work. I ran them a bath and put them in it to play and get clean. I was exhausted but sure that all the chaos was over. It didn’t take long to see that I was wrong.

While playing in the bathtub and FaceTiming with my Mother-In-Law, The Hun slipped and hit her chin on the side of the tub. I dropped my phone on the ground and grabbed my screaming baby the minute I saw blood. My first instinct said to check her mouth. Surely she’d knocked a tooth loose. Teeth were fine. I took her out of the tub and realized blood was flowing down her chest even though her mouth was shut. When I looked under her chin I nearly passed out. She had a half inch gash going across the underside of her sweet little chin. Amazingly, I remembered all of my first aid training and didn’t pass out. I called The Hubs and he turned around and headed home fast. By the time he got there I’d gotten a butterfly bandage onto the cut and The Conqueror was still happily splashing in the tub. Yes, I know there was blood in it but not much. I guess that means she’s a Conqueror who’s bathed in blood. *shrugs*

We put clothes on them both and rushed to the Urgent Care. We had ten minutes till they closed or we’d be spending $500 just to be seen at the ER. Miraculously, we noticed the open sign at the Twin’s pediatrician’s office right next door. Since we were able to go to a Dr.’s office instead of an Urgent Care our total went from $100 to a $30 copay. Not only that, we were in and out in less than twenty minutes. The Hun got her chin glued back together and both girls left with bandaids on their chins. The Conqueror refused to accept that her sister needed one but not her.

So we were in the clear now right? Wrong!

We arrived home to a door that wasn’t quite closed. Whoops! In our rush to leave we hadn’t pulled it hard enough. As soon as my hand touched the doorknob I realized that we’d made another dangerous mistake. We’d left the dogs out. Our dogs, in the 20 minutes that we were gone, decided to raid the pantry and eat everything they could get hold of. They ate crackers and cookies and cardboard. Then, they threw it up on the couch. The Hubs may have seen some crazy stuff in his day but that man can’t handle dog puke. So, he put Frozen on for the girls and ordered a pizza so we’d at least have dinner taken care of. (He’s a smart man so he made sure to order Lava cake too.) Amidst gags and wretches I managed to get it cleaned up. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up next and promptly started my period.

Was it done NOW??? Nope!

The girls still needed their cold medicine so I figured now was as good a time as any to get them dosed and in bed. The Hun wandered back to my room so I picked her up and snuggled her then went into the bathroom for their medicine. It was here that I discovered that The Little Bad Dog had continued her reign of terror. As if throwing up on the couch wasn’t enough, she pooped on the bathroom floor. I sighed and flushed the poo. As it was flushing I reached for the bottle of cold medicine. What happened next still has me scratching my head.

I somehow managed to knock that tiny bottle of cold medicine off of the over-the-toilet shelf and straight into the flushing toilet. I stood there stunned and slack-jawed as the bottle zipped straight down the toilet with the dog poop and the toilet paper that I’d used to clean it up. I gave up then. I carried my little scraped up baby into the living room and cried.

Once I calmed down I was able to see the humor in the whole situation and be thankful for all the things that went right along the way. The dogs have recovered from their feeding frenzy and their fart cloud has finally dissipated. The Conqueror no longer insists on wearing a band-aid. The Hun is healing up quite nicely and loves to show people her bo-bo. Neither girl is afraid of the bath tub, thank God. Now we have a ridiculous story to share with them when they are older about the night that The Hun split her chin open.

The Hun pre-glue.
The Conqueror and her sympathy band-aid.

Published by momvanconfessions

I’m just a first time Mom with 3 bonus kids, set of twins, 2 bad dogs, and a full time job who’s trying to get through parenthood and life without completely screwing it up.

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