It’s 9pm and I’m lying here listening to my child scream her head off over the baby monitor. I know that she will stop after a minute or two but I hate it. It hurts to hear my babies cry. She’s done it every night for the past few nights. Lately every time I drop her off at the Sitter’s she screams and cries. Sometimes both of them scream and cry. It’s hard to handle before I’ve even gotten to work.
I read an article recently about how the “Cry It Out” method is bad for children. Unfortunately I have twins, a job, and every other weekend two other children to tend to. Before I had the twins I pictured myself rocking my babies to sleep every night. I can count on one hand the times that that has actually happened. One time it happened completely by accident. They used to fall asleep on my chest when they were itty bitty. They don’t even do that anymore. Now they just want to play and give kisses. I love that so much but I miss their little sleepy faces. Sometimes they have to cry a little so that I can survive. I tried soothing them to sleep for a while until I realized that I was going insane. We weren’t eating until ten every night and I was a miserable wreck. It made me a shitty parent and a shitty wife not to mention manager. So we cry it out (within reason).
The crying has stopped and now they are beating on the bars of their cribs with their bottles. From screaming babies to tiny jailbirds in five minutes. I hear them babbling to each other quietly. I thought all of that talk about twins having their own language was crazy until I heard these two. They have squeaked and babbled back and forth from the very first time they slept next to each other. They used to sound like little dolphins squeaking and clicking while they slept. I’d wake in the night sometimes because they’d get so noisy.
The bottle banging has intensified. It’s still better than the crying. Obviously I’d prefer they go to sleep but an empty bottle means a full tummy and that combined with a dark room and a white noise machine will lead to sleep eventually (at least I hope so). And just as quickly as I typed it they fell asleep.
This being a Mom thing isn’t easy. It’s damn hard. I could never have imagined the weird and complex things that I would feel. The Mom Guilt that comes so often has shocked me the most. I struggle with it every day when I drop them off or when I realize that I’ve been focused on work and not even thought about them. I love my job and I find it fulfilling but that doesn’t make it easy to leave them. I feel guilty when I am happy that they’ve gone to sleep so I can enjoy a moment or two of quiet. When instead of reading them a story I just give them a quick bath and get them tucked into bed.
It’s 9:20pm and I feel the exhaustion in my bones. The guilt will pass for the moment. I know in my heart that my girls are taken care of and loved. For now I’ll just sleep on it and hope for an easier bed time tomorrow.