I’ve come to believe that having children keeps you humble. You go along thinking that you’re hot shit and that you have it all figured out and then WHAM! KIDS! They present you with new problems and craziness that make you question both your sanity and skills among other things. And they continue doing it! Sometimes this overwhelms me because I remember that I have a whole lifetime of this ahead and four kinds to keep me in check.
Sunday morning I thought I was Super Mommy. “Look at me I’ve fed, diapered, and changed my kids and they are playing nicely in their playpen! What a wonderful Mommy am I!” (As I’ve said before, Past Diana is sometimes a naive idiot.) My children quickly put me in my place. Suddenly The Conqueror was crying. It quickly became apparent that we were having a poo disaster again. No problem I thought, she needs a bath anyway. Despite getting it on myself while trying to clean her up I remained upbeat. I even stayed happy through changing The Hun’s poopy diaper (another almost blowout.) I seriously don’t understand how such tiny babies can make so much poop!
I decided that since I could use a bath myself I’d get in the tub with them. They were happy and playing and with me in the tub they were less prone to slipping. Things were great….until they weren’t. As the girls giggled and splashed I looked down into the water and saw a cloud of pale yellow grow beneath The Conqueror. My brain took a minute to even register what was happening. Once it did I had to fight the urge to jump out of the tub in disgust. Instead I calmly pulled the plug and then refilled the tub with warm soapy water. They were unfazed. Mommy saves the day again.
A couple hours later they landed themselves in the tub for another bath. It’s amazing what kids can do when they have their backs to you. I caught them playing in a puddle of orange spit up. I’m not sure who did it but they’d painted themselves like the warriors that they are. It was so gross that I was impressed. This time The Hubs was there to help thank goodness.
Being a parent is a much nastier job than I anticipated. There is significantly more bodily fluid involved in it than I thought possible. Things that once made me gag are now mere inconveniences. They always seem to find a way to one up each other and test the limits of my strength. Their little smiles and giggles as I clean them seem to be their way of saying “Stay humble Mommy! Let us help you figure this life thing out! Our way is gross but it’s fun too!”
Mom Van Confessions 