I grew up in a house with one bathroom that all four of us had to share. It in NO WAY prepared me for the insanity of sharing a bathroom with kids. They are the worst roommates I’ve ever had and currently only two of them use the potty. We have two bathrooms and they manage to wreak havoc on both. I’d love to be one of those parents who bans their kids from their bathroom but I’m clearly fighting a losing battle here.
First of all, The Boy frequently dribbles on the seat when takes his first pee of the day. The more tired he is, the worse it gets. I swear some mornings he just stands there swaying back and forth with his eyes closed like a stoned hippie at a concert. Kids – 1, Me – 0.
My husband has also been known to leave the seat up from time to time. I walked in on Crazy Eyes clinging to the edge of the bowl. She was half asleep and nearly booty cheek deep in the toilet bowl. Not only had she not looked before she leaped she gave zero shits about the result as long as her butt wasn’t touching the water. She likes to live a wild life. The Hubs thought it was hilarious. Kids – 1, Me – 0, The Hubs – 1…?
The other day I sat down to pee and got a cold sticky feeling on my bum. Turns out when the kids spit in the toilet after brushing their teeth they also spit out a giant glob of toothpaste that was now stuck to my butt. You see I make them spit in the toilet so they don’t get toothpaste all over the sink but this time they forgot to lift the seat. You’d think with all the dribbled pee instances I’d learn to look first but it was one of those horrible “I’ve had children so if I don’t pee right now I’m going to pee my pants moments.” Kids – 2, Me – 0.
Once, we taught them how to pee outside. I cannot pee outside without peeing on myself so it’s important to me that our kids know how especially in a state where Mardi Gras reigns and camp sites are abundant. They both rocked it and thought it was hilarious. Kids – 3, Deedee -1, everyone wins! This quickly became a problem. Crazy Eyes couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t let her poop outside and The Boy claims to have peed in a potted plant while he was out with his Mom. ( We were too afraid of the answer to ask her.) Kids – 4, Me – 1.
Resigned to pooping inside instead of the back yard, Crazy Eyes has a tendency to get crazy with the toilet paper. It’s important to note here that we can’t actually use the toilet paper holders in our house because she falls off the toilet when she tries to reach them. I wonder sometimes if her easy access to toilet paper aids her in the occasional overflow. The other day she overflowed the toilet and tried to clean it herself. What did that look like you ask? Well, it looked like a bunch of sopping wet towels on the floor and a very dirty toilet. Kids – 5, Me – 1.
In addition to not being able to reach the toilet paper, she also can’t start a new roll without some help. Our entire family affectionately calls her “The Toilet Paper Bandit.” She does it anywhere she goes. She starts the roll wherever her fancy strikes her and then proceeds to rip strips of it off like a bored cat. Kids – 6, Me – 1.
They also like to barge in and ask for snacks while I’m pooping, try to hold conversations with me while I’m in the tub (or in the case of the twins, start screaming as soon as my body is in the water), use my nice bars of soap on their private parts instead of using the provided washcloth, leave their wet towels on the floor, and do any number of other annoying things. Kids- 1,324,637,825 (approximately), Me – 1.
I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to use this line to say “but I love my babies and wouldn’t trade them for the world.” Sorry. I guess I’m just a bad Mom. They are cute and all but damn. Sometimes it’s like I’m using a Walmart bathroom. I have to remind myself that they are still “learning how to human” as I like to say. Right now they are still in the monkey phase apparently. Here’s hoping that changes soon!
Mom Van Confessions 