I haven’t written in over a year although Lord knows I’ve started and stopped a thousand times. I’ve promised honesty here but the truth hasn’t been something I’ve been prepared to share and so I haven’t written.
My blog has always been a place for me to share so that hopefully other people, Moms especially, can read my story and not feel so alone. Somewhere in the midst of sharing over the years, I realized that I wasn’t alone either. So many of you have laughed and cried along with me and shared your stories. It’s meant more to me than you can imagine. So it’s time for me to write again, but I need to share some hard truths first.
After nearly a decade of marriage, I filed for divorce. I wish this was one of those sweet, “we grew apart and now we can be happy coparents together” situations, but it’s not. I’m not going to go into details, because my kids read my blog and honestly, I’m not ready for the fallout that could come with the truth. I may share more over time, but for right now the important thing to know is that my marriage is over. More importantly, as hard as it has been to let parts of my married life go, this is ultimately what is best for me and my children and I don’t regret my decision.
I cringe when people say “Oh I’m so sorry” when I say I’m getting a divorce. The truth is, in most ways, I’m not sorry at all. It was time for so many reasons. I am however, sorry that this has caused so much hurt and chaos in the lives of our children and our families. I remind The Twins and myself on the hard days that everything we are doing is so that we can have a better life in a cleaner, happier house, without any fighting, and that none of this is their fault. I worry daily about how all of this will affect them in the long term, but at the end of the day I know divorcing their Dad was the best choice I could have made for all of us. So many things have changed in my life since March when I decided I’d had enough and called it quits.
The Twins and I have moved in with my parents. God bless them for taking us in because I know we’ve upended their lives in hundreds of ways. They gave us a safe place to land and I can’t thank them enough. We’ve had so much help from family and friends this year. I can’t put into words how grateful I am for all of it.
The same week I decided to file for divorce, I started a new job that I’m absolutely in love with. I sometimes think that transition has been the hardest on The Twins. I went from being able to be at every school function and picking them up right after school to working 40 hours a week. Having work with a purpose feeds my soul though and I’m getting to help make the world a better place. For the first time in years I have income that doesn’t depend on my ex and it is one of the most freeing feelings. I am responsible for my paycheck and I get to show my girls what it means to do what you love for a living. Fortunately, I’m still able to go to practices and school events too.
Seeing my Bonus Kids less has been the most painful part of the entire process. I grieve our time together an miss them so much. I wish I’d known the last time I’d have all of my babies sleeping under one roof. I would have appreciated it so much more. For nearly a decade I’ve loved and cared for them and my love will never change. In my heart they will always be my babies even if I don’t get to see them often. I am blessed to have had as much time with them as I did and to still be a part of their lives even though it looks a lot different now. The Twins still get to see them every other weekend like before. They need their big brother and sister now more than ever.
In an oddly fitting turn of events, The Mom Van gave up the ghost this summer. I have a theory that all the junk that was in it kept it running like some magic spell and when we cleaned it out completely she decided it was time to die. I drive a sedan now. It’s rather Mom Van shaped and a heck of a lot easier to keep clean. I miss having rear doors that open with a button but I don’t miss being the Mom with a thousand things falling out of her car in the carpool line. I’m not changing the blog name, we’re still in the Mom Van at heart.
The most beautiful change in all this is that my faith is stronger than it has ever been. I am blessed to be surrounded by friends who pray for me and remind me that on the hardest days God is here with me and my family. I see God’s love in action every day, and I feel more at peace in my relationship with Christ than I ever have. I tell people all the time that I wouldn’t have survived this a year ago, before I decided to lean in to my faith. Don’t worry, this blog isn’t about to get preachy ya’ll. I’m still broken and imperfect and not pretending to be otherwise. I just know that I am loved regardless of those things and that’s pretty freaking awesome.
I’m not going to lie and say that this has been an easy process. It’s been one of the most difficult seasons of life I’ve ever experienced and I know it’s not ending anytime soon. Each day brings newness in both good and bad ways and I’m learning so much about myself. I’m rediscovering parts of myself that I shrank and hid away and discovering new things too. There is more laughter and joy and music in my life than there has been in years.
I don’t know what all my next steps are, but I know I’m trusting God to lead me where I’m meant to be. (Even if I mess it up a bunch on the way there).
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25
