468

468. That’s how many days it’s been since I last posted on this blog. Just a couple of months shy of a year and a half.

My last post, Today, was dark. I’d just lost one of my best friends, a woman who helped raise me, and had such an incredible impact on this world. Her death rocked me to my very core. Between that and other events of 2023, I fell into the deepest depression of my life.

The slip into depression felt gradual at the time but looking back it was more like a riptide. It pulled me under over and over again until about 6 months ago when I was finally able to see that it was time to come up for air. It took a couple more months for the heaviness to truly lift in a palpable way.

So many people tried to help me but I figured that because I didn’t feel sad and cry all the time it couldn’t be depression. I rationalized my behavior saying that I had no motivation, even for the things I loved, because I was working too hard and spread too thin. Running a company and raising kids is exhausting. I said I couldn’t focus because of my ADHD (only partially true) when even the things that used to make me happy couldn’t keep my drifting mind focused. I said needed daily naps because I wasn’t sleeping well at night. I wasn’t ready to see what was going on and once I did see, I didn’t know what to do.

The first step was realizing that something was really not right and admitting to it. The second was asking for help and actually accepting it. With the help of therapy, modern medicine, prayer, and my wonderful family and friends I’m finally feeling more like myself. Over the past 468 days I’ve rekindled a love of reading and Lego. I’ve become a Girl Scout Troop Leader. I’ve even learned more about industrial equipment than I ever thought possible since Donny and I purchased a company in April of ‘24.

Today was the first day that I’ve felt like writing so I swallowed my pride and fear and dove in. I’ve deleted and rewritten this post about a thousand times. I even wrote an entirely separate post before I started this one but it felt wrong to just focus on the happy without acknowledging the journey. (Don’t worry, you can read that one tomorrow.) I’ve always committed to honesty on this page and if my story helps just one person then my discomfort in disclosure is worth it.

I’m so thankful for my family who loved and supported me and let me heal in my own time. Even on my darkest days I was blessed to know that I was never truly alone. There was always someone to talk to if I was willing to reach out. My children were most often the only reason to get out of bed and while motherhood felt exceptionally hard I know it is such a blessing that I was still able to perform my duties during that time. I hope that one day when they’re older I’ll be able to share my story with them. Until then, I’ll continue to do my best to make good memories with them because I’ve already lost enough time to depression.

God bless the people who stood by me. The friends who didn’t hold it against me when I checked out. I missed weddings and joyous celebrations because I just couldn’t muster the motivation to be around happy people some days. Their love and understanding has helped me to forgive myself.

Thank you to the new friends that I’ve met who didn’t write me off as an absolute weirdo after speaking to me for more than 30 minutes. Fortunately for me they met me at my worst so I can only get more impressive from here.

If I’ve learned anything on this journey it’s that gratitude and faith are vital to my survival. It’s all too easy to focus on the dark when in reality there is so much light in my life. During a meeting with my Priest last year he reminded me of the story of Jesus calming the storm. Jesus invited Peter to join him as he walked on water and he did. He walked toward Christ but as soon as he gave into his fear he began to sink. The Priest said something that has stuck with me. He said that if we keep our eyes turned to God, he will handle the storm.

I still struggle, I still have doubts, but I’m trying my best to keep my heart turned toward the positive in my life, turned toward God, and open to love so that God can handle the storm.

Thank you for not forgetting about this crazy little blog. I love you all!