Two words: Dumpster. Fire. That’s the best way to describe my morning yesterday.
It started around 2am when my Husband started moaning and groaning and flopping around the bed like a damn fish on land. He tells me that he doesn’t feel good.He’s cold. His stomach hurts and he aches all over. I wish I could say I went all Florence Nightingale and swept in to nurse him to health but I definitely didn’t. Instead tole him not to be so loud, to drink some water, and take an ibuprofen. Then I rolled over and tried to ignore him. It’s important to note that last time this happened I told him to stop being such a baby and it turned out that he had strep throat and had to be brought to the urgent care and then to the ER at 3am. Wife of The Year ladies and gentlemen. I managed to fall asleep for a bit.
At 4:30am on the dot The Hun started wailing. When you have twins who share a room, letting one cry it out isn’t really an option so I got up and got her out of her bed. She and The Hubs then took turns flopping all over the bed. Oh did I mention that she was screaming her head off? I got her calmed down with a bottle of milk and some Tylenol because teething is a bitch but those tools are magic. The Hubs groaned some more and we all went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 6:00am and I snoozed it till 6:30am. Things seemed to have settled down a bit so I thought I was in the clear. Enter Sassy God with the Queen Latifah voice, ready to rock my world.
For some reason, The Conqueror lost her tiny baby mind every time I put her down. When I went into the kitchen to make her a bottle of milk, she ran screaming behind me. Then, while I was making her bottle, her sister smushed her with a cabinet door. More screaming from both children now. At one point The Hubs looked at me, squeezed my hand, and asked if I wanted to get rid of them. The man’s got jokes. In the midst of all the chaos, I realized that The Little Bad Dog pooped right in front of the toilet in our bathroom. When I tried to put The Conqueror down, she immediately started screaming and crying. Nevertheless, I was about to enter the bathroom when I heard The Hubs shout MOVE! from behind me. Before I knew it he was bent over and hurling. Him puking would have been bad enough but in his hurry to get around me and avoid the Luna landmine in front of the toilet he didn’t move fast enough to get the toilet lid pulled up. (He blames me for this because he never puts the toilet lid down.) I won’t get too graphic but I’m sure you can imagine how bad it was. As he finished tossing his cookies, I called my boss and let her know that my house had exploded and I’d be late. To her credit, she was sympathetic and understanding.
My husband offered to clean up his mess but I told him to get in bed and entertain the girls. Ya’ll! It was so nasty! I used a hair clip to hold a paper towel on my nose and did my best not to throw up everywhere. (I looked so ridiculous that I snapped a picture just for my loyal readers to enjoy.)
My make shift nose plug wasn’t super effective. I had to stop a couple of times but I gagged my way through it. I got everything cleaned up and then got back in the bed with The Hubs and The Twins. We snuggled and everyone calmed down then I got the girls loaded into the van so I could drop them off with the sitter and to work.
The rest of my day was fairly uneventful. Hard to live up to that kind of shit show I guess. It seems that The Hubs may have had food poisoning. (I told him that Jack in the Box for dinner was a bad idea.) On the positive side of things, I now have a sparkly clean toilet and I didn’t have to cook dinner because he was tired and still feeling icky. Here’s to better mornings to come!
Mom Van Confessions 