1) They should make toilet seats that change color when there is water/ pee on them. Especially for public bathrooms where small children pee. I’m tired of having a wet butt because I couldn’t see the water before I sat down…God I hope that’s water.
2) Does pool water really change color when you pee in it? Is it worth the risk? Probably not… This is why we swim in lakes.
3) Why do my kids always have to poop first thing in the morning? I’m tired of having shitty mornings…Maybe they are too?
4) Do my babies understand anything I’m saying or do they just think I’m some sort of weird ape that feeds them and babbles nonsense?
5) I should send a thank you letter to the person who invented dry shampoo.
6) *looks at baby food package* My kids eat way better than I do! *tastes baby food* Oh God what is this trash?! Way to overpromise and underdeliver Gerber. Props to your marketing team for making this gruel look appealing.
7) Maybe if I dress the kids in really cute outfits people won’t notice that I look like I’m a bag lady.
8) Who tf told me that I was qualified to be a Mom? Me?!…Clearly I should have checked my references first. Is it too late to fire myself or should I just do a write up and some coaching on this one?
9) *After disciplining children* Jesus H. Christ! If this is karma for the shit I pulled as a child then I’m not sure how my mother resisted the urge to kill me…We’ll blame this on my Husband’s bad behavior. That makes more sense.
10) Dear God please let that be spilled juice on my leg and not baby pee!