Bad Naked!

My Bonus Dad has coined the term “bad naked.” We use it anytime we’re talking about being nude in the ways you wouldn’t want anyone to see. It’s not artistic, it’s more domestic and VERY unflattering. (Think bending over and digging through the laundry naked.)  Today I’ll tell you the story of how bad naked quickly became the worst kind of naked.

For whatever reason the girls woke up extra early and ready for Booby Milk. Rather than go back to bed after they ate, I decided to go ahead and take a bath. After my bath was over I crawled back into bed to snuggle my babies for a few minute. There wasn’t much room on the bed as most of it was taken up by two infants, two dogs, and my snoring husband. I tried to perch delicately on the edge of the bed while laying on my side so as not to wake everyone. Unfortunately this left me quite exposed with a couple of my wobbly bits hanging off the bed. After a minute I got cold and decided to try and pull the sheets over myself without getting off of the bed. As you can imagine, this did not end well.

What happened next seemed to pass in horrifying slow motion. My lame attempt at trying to cover myself sent me flying off the bed.  To put this into perspective, my bed is about 3.5 feet off the ground and the Twins’ crib was right next to it at the time. As I fell to the ground, bear assed and legs flying, I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was like a horrific game of Plinko as I bounced between the bed and the crib on the way down. I landed butt first, legs and arms above my head, pinned precariously between the bed, the crib, and the nightstand.

In the next few seconds a few quick thoughts ran through my mind.
1)   Is anything broken?… I don’t think so.
2)   Literally no one in this room made a noise as I hit the ground! No one is checking on me! I could be dead here! Jerks!
3)   What is that smell and why is my butt wet?

What was that smell indeed! You see, my Little Bad Dog, in a fit of when I can only assume to be jealousy, had quietly pooped next to the bed while I was laying on it. Being a new Mom, I innocently believed one of the babies was responsible for the smell and had decided that I’d change them whenever they woke up. With a sinking feeling and rising nausea I realize that I had indeed fallen bottom first into dog poop. Horrified, I shouted to my husband “Oh my God! I’ve fallen in poo!” I didn’t have time to hear what he said next as I ran, gagging, to get in the shower.

By this time I was running late and in survival mode. I got my thoroughly scrubbed bottom out of the shower, woke everyone up, and got them dressed for the day. Somewhere along the way The Boy Child looked at me and said “Deedee it’s superhero day today at camp!” I quickly handed him his Flash costume complete with mask and cape. (Yes I know the Flash doesn’t wear a cape but the kid thinks capes are cool so we went with it.)

It was only in the stillness that followed my way to work that the ridiculousness of my morning sunk in. As I called my Mom and recounted the event I laughed until I was in tears.  I remembered how The Boy looked up at me and said “You’re the greatest Step-Mom ever!” I can only assume this is because I let him wear a costume to school when I hadn’t confirmed that it was actually superhero day at camp. That night I decided to just not ask. There are some things I’d rather not know and he seemed pretty happy with himself. The Little Bad Dog has still shown zero remorse. I periodically giggled throughout the day just thinking about what happened and my staff thought it was hilarious. It turned out to be a really good day despite the weirdness of the morning. Honestly, if I have to fall bare bottomed in poo every morning to make it a good day it just might be worth it.

Published by momvanconfessions

I’m just a first time Mom with 3 bonus kids, set of twins, 2 bad dogs, and a full time job who’s trying to get through parenthood and life without completely screwing it up.

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