Its cold in my room as the sun slowly creeps in through my window. My babies are sleeping in their crib and snuggly and warm. They climb into each other’s beds now to be close to one another. I have to fight myself to get dressed for work and not just put them in the bed with me and stare at them until they wake up. These are the days when I envy the stay at home Moms and Dads. Where I wish career wasn’t both a necessity and calling for me. Where I feel like a crappy parent because I know that I don’t really want to be a stay at home Mom. The honest truth is that I know in my heart I don’t have what it takes to not have a job outside of my home. I don’t have that level of selflessness or patience and I’m really okay with it most days. I just get a little envious from time to time.
I’ve known for a very long time that career and family would have to coincide for me. I wanted them to. Want them to. I chose a degree in Management over a degree in Art because I knew that, while I had the skills to accomplish both, I’d feel more secure working an office job with children than relying on my art to get us through. (Looking back, I’m glad I did it for so many reasons, the number one being that my art isn’t all that great. Haha!) When I had my Twins that rocked the notion of having a full time job and a family a little for me but it really only takes a day or two of being the only person my twins interact with to remind me that it’s better for all of us this way. One of my dearest colleagues once told me that she realized she was a better mother when she was working. While I have my moments of crappiness, I know that I’m the same way. When I have the opportunity to work and utilize my talents I feel most like myself.
This isn’t to say that it’s not hard leaving my babies at home. I work around children and some days it’s unbearable. The other day I sent my Mom a message thanking her because I finally saw how hard it must have been for her some days as a teacher. Leaving your children to go take care of other people’s children seems like absolute bullshit some days. There are days when I see a Mom snuggle her baby and I just want to go sit at my desk and cry. I make sure to get in extra snuggles when I get home. I’m sure there are parents out there who think it’s terrible that I work instead of staying home.
Today I think I’ll skip the makeup and put down my writing and go pick my babies up and cuddle them instead. It’s a great way to start my day before I head off to work. It’s not an easy life we working Moms have. It’s not an easy life for a stay at home Mom either. The common denominator is that motherhood is freaking hard. It’s full of crazy pressures, annoyances, frustration, and for some reason things are almost always sticky or smelly…or both. At the end of the day though, it’s always worth it.